Ya I set the damn fire, I all ready told you that, so exactly why you dumbass detectives need me to write all this crap down I dont no, but sence you asked for it your gonna get it.  And half this shit your not gonna believe anyway but I dont give a fuck cause you asked for it.  So for starters (hey, get it??) I dress up like a lady with big ol high heels and a brown wig and lipstick for ChrisSakes and go out to that place I scouted a few days ago after ol Bobbie give me the heave ho after ten months. Ten fucking months, thats damn near a lifetime, and we had some great times together let me tell you, but no it wasnt enough for Bobbie, so she lets me go with all this I really still love you but your never gonna amount to a hill of blackeyed peas so we cant be together crap and takes her stuff and walks out. Well I dont no what to do I just hurt so damn much I guess a couple a bottles of whiskey found there way into me and when I woke up the TV was still on and talking about all of them fires and santa ana winds and shit and all of a sudden figured what I had to do. Well shit hows she gonna no it was me anyway I said, and then I said well shes a smart fucking bitch she even finished high school somehow shell figure it out shell read in the paper about some lady six foot one and two hundred pounds and shell figure out how bad she fucking hurt me and shell come back I no she will cause we had some great times together and down deep she really loves me, but the cops will never find me cause there looking for a fucking lady. Haha. So I start planning the thing out in my head and pretty soon I pretty much no what Im gonna do see, but then I get that pitture in my head of my grammaw practically burning her head off that one time when she tried to light that old gas oven with one of them flimsy matches and let the gas run to long and the whole thing blue up in her face and lit her hair on fire and gramps ran to get a blanket and put it out. But would he take her to the hospital, no, he was all mad and shit about how could you do something that stupid and I ain’t taking my old lady to a damn hospital and tell them nurses how stupid you are and she said fuck you you aint got enough money to pay the hospital bill anyway and besides its only my hair got burnt and itll grow back so its no big deal. But then he goes out and buys her a brand new electric stove and even ties a ribbon on it for ChrisSakes and tells her your to good for that old fashioned son of a bitch stove you deserve the best and I swear to God its the only time I saw her cry and they sat down on the couch and hugged each other like forever. So Im like do I really want to start a big fire cause somebody might really get hurt but then I figure all thats gonna happen is a bunch of dam pretty houses will get burnt but I never been in a pretty house anyway so what the fuck. So I dig out the wig and shit I used for that stupid Halloween party Bobbie made me go to, I only used it once I swear I never even enjoyed dressing up like a bitch but it was like Oh Boo Hoo you wont even do a simple thing for me to make me happy so I said okay but the heels fucking hurt and I swore I would never do it again but then I figure that’s the perfect disguise so shell no it was me. The funny thing is Ill have to make sure somebody sees me cause otherwise the hole Goddam plan will be a disaster but the TV will say it was a lady with long brown hair and mine is short and black so the cops are fucked but she nose Im a piromaniac cause of when we used to go camping I was always hey lets have a fire and shed go what in the hell do you need a fire for its 90 damn degrees out here and Id say what the hell is a campout without a campfire and shed go okay you fucking piro have your fire if you want it, and its a good thing she did cause one time I started chasing her around the tent with my pocketknife just kidding and all like my dad used to do with my mom but with a larger knife from the kitchen when he got drunk, and the truth is I think he was just horny but my mom she didnt think it was that funny and Bobbie didnt neither so I stopped but I showed her I wanted that damn campfire and she said okay, and what the hell is wrong with a person getting what he wants once or twice in his life ya know. Like maybe having something at school for lunch besides a goddam peanut butter and jelly sandwich day after day and sometimes no fucking jelly cause we ran out cause mom would be busy looking for the booze dad hid all over the house.  He may have been a fucking alcoholic and probably a little nuts as well but the man had a plan ya no, he wasnt no idiot he new mom would look for the shit and pour it out so he put it under the damn floorboards for ChrisSakes.  I was supposed to be asleep Ya gotta get a good nights sleep if your gonna do well in school they both said it but how you gonna sleep when you here your old man creeping around the house at night pulling up the damn floorboards and pushing em back down covered with a towel so they wont squeek too bad and how the hell she didnt hear it I dont know cause I sure as hell heard it. And then if this dont take the cake she would keep me home from school and get me helping look for the shit saying you no your father where would he put it and Im like how the hell would I no pretending I dont no but of course I do, and the strange thing is I think she nose all this and is just playing some kinda stupid adult game and when I got older I figured thats exactly what it was sort of a hide and seek thing cause sometimes I could here em playing around in bed and he would be like you never gonna find it and she was like you bet your sweet ass Im gonna find it and she did to, and mostly she would empty it out but one time she was like lets leave it here if he dont get no booze hell go fucking crazy and thats even worse than when hes drunk. And thats the dam truth so help me god, I still remember I was like five or six when she decided to empty out the house and he couldnt find no booze and she hid the money to and he about went nuts. He somehow figured I would no where she hid the money but I didnt but he slapped me anyway and when I cried I dont no he throws me in the closet and tells me you dont come out until you can be a good son to your ol dad, and mom is screaming at him to let me out and he says no way not until one of you forks over the money, but she got her mind made up this time hes gonna go sober and they scream at each other so loud I put my hands up to my ears even though Im in the closet but nothing works and I just finally pull a pair of pants down off the hanger and use it for a pillow and curl up in the corner and go to sleep and when I wake up Im in my own bed and dad is in the kitchen downing a six-pack of beers and mom is in her bedroom sobbing so hard I thought she was gonna die. So how am I gonna go to school and hang out and be all friendly with everybody when I no dam good and well the other guys are eating dinner with their white napkins on their laps and then watching a little TV with their dads and then there moms tuck em into bed. The guys theyd say hey there when I showed up but they werent really my friends and I could see em talking about me when they thought I wasnt looking but a couple of times a girl would come up to me and talk and that was like hey you assholes lookit whose talking to me. Especially Monica, shit that girl was so pretty it drove me nuts and I could hardly wait to get home and rub my dick but I noed I wasnt supposed to but what the hell was I supposed to do, and the strange thing is she really didnt even come on to me like sexually or nothing she just seemed like she wanted to talk and she asked me about my parents and shit like she really cared and she even tried to help me with my homework a couple of times but then she gave up on that but she kept asking about mom and dad and whether I was happy and shit and Id say of course Im happy what do you think I almost got to Disneyland one time and I woulduv too if my parents hadnt taken to yelling at each other in the parking lot so we just drove outa there without even going in. Well Bobbie was pretty to and asked me shit about my childhood sometimes and Id say well that was way back what the hell does it matter now but the truth is I kinda liked it when she asked, and she would hold my hand so gentle and scratch my back in all the right places and one time I was telling her a story and she just out and out started sobbing and I said it happened to me so why are you crying and she just gave me the biggest damn hug anybody ever gave me so Bobbie and Monica were like the best friends I ever had and Monica is god nose where right now so Bobbie is the one and I gotta have her back. So yeah I lit the goddam fire and almost burned my fucking dress in the process but I got outa there I still don’t know how you fuckers caught me but it don’t matter I no Im headed for prison but shell find me when I get out, you watch shell be waiting at the gate you wanna know whether Im sorry I did it well honestly no Im not cause I need somebody in my life ya no.



Ronald wolff

is a retired nonprofit executive now exploring artistic creation in the realms of photography and writing. Eight of his short stories and several photographs have been published in literary journals. His political thriller novel Operation Capitol Hill was self-published in 2006.